28 October 2010

On growing older (and who isn't?!?)

Last week, I had a very bad day at school.  As in, I cried TWICE before lunchtime.


That night at home, I was in John's arms telling him about the horrible day.  Our 10- year-old saw me and came to pat my shoulder.

"Mom," he said consolingly, "forty isn't THAT old," as if that MUST have been the reason for my sorrow.

I'm turning 40 in little more than a week.  In my church, that is OLD.  That is really, really up there.  That is, like, MIDDLE-AGED!

I don't feel bad about it.
  
In fact, I feel great.  I feel the great privilege of talking with the younger women about the early days of marriage, the early days of babies and toddlers, the sleeplessness, the wondering what your life is about.  I love the honor of walking with the single women, of encouraging them, of talking about God's calling on our lives, of praying with and for them.

I wouldn't have this honor if I hadn't walked through these years myself.  The Lord has been so very faithful, has blessed me with encouragement and instruction all the way through my life with Him (and even before, in the years that He was chasing after me).

A few night ago, a younger mother sought my advice about parenting.  
Ahem, ME?!  The one who struggles with anger, the impatient one, the one who wonders WHEN WILL GOD EVER EVER EVER change me? 


Glory to God, I actually had something to say to her.  What I told her was that the things that make us the most angry reveal the things we truly worship.  When does the anger rise up in me?  When my plans go awry?  When my children don't conform perfectly to my will?  When I'm disrespected or put down?  Perhaps I am looking to control to give me life.  Perhaps I am looking to appearances to give me life.  Where am I seeking to find my hope and peace and worth and LIFE apart from Christ?

Let me be bold and say that if you don't think you have any idols, you are mistaken.

This growing older is God's grace.  It is Christ's work in me.  It is my loving Father, leading me through every circumstance, loving me all the while.  He hears, He remembers, He knows (see Exodus).  He cannot but love us.

In my darkest hours, I have wondered at the truth that Jesus yearns toward me, and is more willing to help than I am willing to believe that He is willing!


Friends, with tears I can say that God IS changing me.  The hardest places now show a bit of give.  The thorniest heart now has a bit of softness.

The one who calls you is faithful and HE WILL DO IT.


Joining with Emily by God's grace today.  Go read.




6 comments:

  1. oh Kit...

    this is incredible. and so.so. humbling.

    this part: What I told her was that the things that make us the most angry reveal the things we truly worship.

    so wise. and it made me realize, my idol is control. pray for me in this.

    thank you, for admitting you cried. and then for daring to teach us something. i think you should become an inspirational speaker :) really, this was very good. you bless me.

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  2. my idol (no lie): the "right" to be able to go to sleep at night (and that....by a respectable hour.)
    That is NOT a lie! I remember VIVIDLY the day i realized that what i was EXPECTING and felt a "right" to-- was NOT coming back, in the "way" that i wanted it.... in the "way" that i felt as if (ahem) i "deserved it". God has used this one single place over and over and over to put me at the end of myself and on my face begging HIM. Young moms reading: hear me say "guard your sleep!".... i am NOT saying not too. I AM saying that my "rights" as i saw them, anyway-- defy the very institution of BOTH motherhood AND servanthood. I'm appalled at my own pride. Funny how one tiny baby can do that!

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  3. oh, your words hit deep! i'm not yet thirty, but i'm still older and further along the mothering path than some. i also cry out to God wondering why He hasn't changed me yet and can it be soon please?

    i think my idol is wanting my own space. i want something to be my own, something, anything! the right to my own body, peace from the constant demands, to be able to make my own choices. although i think i do need a break, i realize that i'm not serving my children like i should. thank you for the call to deeper observation and repentance. blessings to you!

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  4. Emily, you and me both. I will pray for you! It'll be easy to remember!

    Grace, thanks for your words. We all to want Jesus AND...sleep, space, control...He is sufficient. I am with you, sister!

    Tab...love you so much and appreciate your words.

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  5. Kit:

    YOU are amazing and I so enjoyed reading your blog. How brave to admit the challenges we all face as moms and as humans. Your faith is an inspiration and God is speaking through you.

    I will never forget being in Target one day and hearing a child crying, as a mom I could not help but look on to make sure he/she was okay. I observed this very patient mom, so loving and it touched my heart. As I walked by, that very patient mom was you! I have not seen you since that day in Target, but I see you are doing so well and blessing so many.
    Forty is FABULOUS and for me it gave birth to really coming into my own. I am not there yet, but God is good and walking with me.
    Much Love,
    Pam

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